Life is fleeting in many ways and full of unexpected twists, I have had a recent and hard lesson that attests to this. I spoke to my mother a matter of days ago, as I normally would. I never purposely took her calls or presence in my life for granted, but I never thought at that time, it would become one of the last conversations we would have where my mom was at her full capacity.
Only days after speaking to her, she fell into a comatose state, woke up after several hours, and was not the same to sum it up as briefly as possible.
This is a new kind of pain - a pain that I cannot yet fully rationalize. This is a pain that doesn't require forgiveness. It doesn't have an explanation, at least not one her health care team can establish as of yet. This is a kind of pain that leaves you powerless as you try to advocate and be strong. It is a pain that you have to bury as much as possible to function and be the helper you need to step up and be. There comes a time in life where whatever pain you suffer has to be focused and used in the most beneficial way you can.
I am struggling to function as a helper, wife, mother, daughter, extended relative, and friend and am doing my best to focus my pain in the most beneficial way that I can. I know I am not alone in this, which is truly a blessing and has given me added strength in being an advocate for both of my parents the best I can be through this.
My mother is one of the most loved and adored people I know. Her kind heart is so pure and amazingly sweet, and for her to have to go through this and endure it all is more than awful. As a writer, I struggle to find the words as to what she must be feeling. She is fighting the fight, in a place she hates, taking medication she hates, not recognizing some people appropriately, not recalling things appropriately at times. She is saying things that don't make sense and are without explanation, rhyme, or reason. She is afraid. She is both present and not present and is trapped both physically and mentally and is a medical mystery.
While we all hurt, I know that beyond my mom, none of us, relatives or friends, myself included, hurt or struggle near as much as my dad. My dad doesn't have his love and companion by his side as he has had for the past 40+ years. He is discovering how to be without her home with him. He is going to the store alone and doing other things they normally do together alone. He, like the rest of us, has no idea if she will be able to go home, let alone when. Our hopes remain that somehow any damage that has been done is reversible, but the reality dwindles with the time.
As a daughter, this incident makes all the other kinds of pain I have felt in my life insignificant. Strangely nearly every other form of pain in my life I can explain. I won't validate it or excuse it, but am seeking help to move on, break free, and forgive. This is a pain in its purest most helplessness form. It happening was uncontrollable and leaves many of us asking, "Why her? How did this happen? What exactly happened? How can we fix it? What can we do?" There is no person to blame or focal point of anger. It just is. Hopefully, in time, an explanation of some sort will manifest itself through the further wisdom and perseverance of her medical team.
The one positive thing I can pull from this is that it has brought my family closer. It has shown me how loved my mother is, something I knew, obviously, but saw with my own eyes through the outpouring of love and concern for her. It showed me how a family can become not only closer but stronger as they rally around one another for a loved one. It validates the love we have always felt for one another and shows the common love we all have for my mom. It has us saying words of love and affection toward one another and seeking advice, comfort, and companionship with one another. It has us talking to one another when we may have not spoken in quite some time.
In the electronic age we live in, it is easy to stop speaking to people and rely on posts and photos to keep up with one another. While this is a true blessing and provides me much joy, the voices I have heard more recently have provided me warmth, comfort, and joy in a time of despair - like nothing else.
God often works good things into the bad and this is proof of such. Though Mom is the main concern for us all, we cannot overlook the blessing in the pain - this is what helps us all through and allows us to fight for her together as a strong whole.
*********As we continue to pray as a family for answers and healing, any positive thoughts or prayers or continued prayers by readers would be appreciated by myself, family, and my mom's many friends. She is a fighter and has overcome a lot in her life and is one of the most loving people I have ever come to know. Prayers for my dad would be appreciated too. He is strong but I know his heart hurts in a way that very few can truly understand or imagine. My mom has been lifted up by so many prayer chains at churches of friends and family as, well as my own. If you have a prayer chain - add Lynn to it. God will know his daughter and hear. Love to all!